Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me

 In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.

And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.

The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.

Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.

I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.

Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.

But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.

That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.

But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.

We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.

To go back to the conversation that referenced this:

I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.

And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.

So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?

Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.

Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.

Where do you tend to make assumptions?

How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Don't Force Me to Share in a Group

 In our desire to develop community and get to know each other at more than a surface-level, I think we sometimes put people in an uncomfortable, often terrifying, situation. As we try to get this to happen, we can put people in a position where they feel forced to share more than they are really comfortable with sharing.

My guess is that we don't do this on purpose. It's not our plan. We're simply trying to create a way for our time together that gives every space to share.

Our default is often to go to some sort of "everyone has 2-3 minutes to share where they're at as go around the group."

Cue a wide range of emotional responses, from completely okay with that to terrified and looking for a way to leave before your turn comes. Instead of creating the connection hoped for by it, some people are instantly disconnected and may not ever return to the group.

Even for those who stay and who return, it can create have the opposite effect of creating more disconnection. Now there are things about them "out there" with that group that they're either afraid will be used against them in the future, or that they feel they have to continue to live up to forever. The forced sharing has had the effect of making them feel like they have to live up to a certain thing they shared, even if it's not true all the time.

Unless the group has been together for a long time and this type of sharing already occurs naturally, I don't think this is the best way to create what is being sought. If people are already doing it on their own, then a more formal and structured time of sharing can be beneficial - when used occasionally. 

But, if the group is newer or that level of sharing hasn't occurred before, you can do a lot of harm to the forming of the group when people are in a position where they feel forced to share things they're not ready to with that group.

There's a few things to consider with what, how, and when people share personal things with a group:

  1. Trust to share personal things is earned over time. If you push this too soon, you drive people away. And, people's experience will inform when they will trust. The timing looks different for everyone and we have to allow space for that.
  2. Going too deep too soon can create a false sense of knowing each other.
  3. If someone feels forced to share before they're ready to, you can actually cause trauma for them. This relates to a lot of what I wrote about in my series of posts on spiritual trauma in fall 2023 (you can find those posts here). It's one of the ways that the church can do damage to people.

So, what do we do instead?

We start by creating a safe space for people to begin with trusting with very small things. Make the group a safe place to admit you had a bad day or celebrate something - with no need for a lot of details to be shared.

Over time, you can slowly go deeper by asking questions that prompt a deeper discussion. Not a place where everyone has to share, but questions that invite people to participate and share as much or as little as they are comfortable with.

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding

Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be Being "The Older Single Person" at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .

In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.

People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.

But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. 

I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.

Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.

I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.

Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.

The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. 

It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.

A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.

At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .

But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.

There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.

I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.